BFN

February 2, 2009 at 1:03 am (BFN, IVF) ()

We held out – didn’t POAS.   The day before (Friday), I was feeling tired and my stomach wasn’t handling food too great.   So I thought – this must be it.   We went out to dinner and then to a hockey game with friends – such a nice distraction.   Saturday morning came around and DH went with me to the doctor’s.

We asked the nurse how long it would be before we knew the results.  She said 2 hours.

We both didn’t want to go right back home, so we went out to breakfast and stopped to see my mom.  2 hours passed, and still nothing.   DH wanted to drive back to the office but I told him it wouldn’t have made a difference.

We left my mom’s, and as soon we got down the block, we got the email.  Since there was no subject line, the email in my inbox looked like, “Myname, I am so s….”

Ouch.

It was a BFN.

The night before, when we came home, my DH and I talked about what would happen if it was a BFN.  I told him I felt like I would almost be ok with it – after all, we had just gotten through this process once and we would know what we could do better the second time around.  DH said he thought it would hit him hard.

Now its kind of the opposite.  It’s hit me hard, very hard.  Could be stopping the meds all at once, could be because deep down I so wanted to believe it would happen.  I wanted to be the one to go out and buy pregnancy books, to be a member of the “club”.  Those embryos – which I nicknamed Emmy A and Emmy B, were very real to me (to us).  I’m mourning the loss of these embryos.

Or maybe what’s hitting me hard is this – a friend IRL, a friend who I considered (notice the past tense here) one of my best friends, has been virtually non-existent through all of this.  I sent an email yesterday (as well as to a few other people) that we had a BFN.  Immediately many others sent emails saying how sorry they were, asking what they could do, etc.  But this one person didn’t say a word.  This morning I emailed her and she claimed she didn’t get the email (my email status says she received it).   Since then, not even a sorry or a hug or anything like that.   And it gets worse here….

I’m on facebook and so is she.  The 25 random facts about you list has hit my friend circle in a big way these past few weeks.  So she posted her 25 random facts yesterday afternoon.   First fact that hit me hard:  She’s grateful she met these people who have little kids they always babysit – in fact, they’re now her family.   Fact two: Even though she had a hysterectomy, she wants to have another baby.  Huh. I really don’t know how to take that right now.  I’ve been there through her grandmother’s death, her kid’s surgery, her father’s Alzheimer’s.  But now it feels like since we can’t seem to get pregnant, she has no use for us.

So, I guess through this process you find out who really supports you and who doesn’t, who can handle hearing you talk about needles and injections, and who can’t.  I found out my parents have been a source of strength through this (even though my mom lost her job and has a million other things to worry about).  And of course, my DH has been my rock, as always.

Tomorrow I’m taking the day off of work – that place is stressful and I decided I need to take care of myself.   And then I’m calling my RE to see what’s next.   Only one embryo froze (out of the 7, minus the 2 that were implanted), so I’m not sure what happens next.  I can’t wait to find out.

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