A Little History Lesson…

February 5, 2009 at 8:57 pm (IVF)

Yesterday AF arrived.  I actually feel a little bit relieved AF is here – now the cramping is finally going away (the Tylenol barely made a dent).   I was also a little bit happy AF arrived because that meant I could call the RE’s office and talk about what was next.

In all of our previous appointments, it really never occurred to us to ask the RE how long she tends to wait between IVF attempts.  I don’t think a FET is an option right now because we only were able to freeze one embryo.  (A little history here – I had 13 follicles, and 9 of them had eggs.   Of those 9, 7 became fertilized.   2 were transferred, grades A- and B+, on the fifth day.  The third one, a B+ too, was frozen.  On transfer day, we learned 2 had ‘arrested development’ and they were watching the other 2.  They called on the 6th day and said that the remaining 2 would not survive the freezing process and were not high grade).  For whatever reason, I was starting to build up strength again to get ready for my next cycle.   So here comes the phone call with the nurse.

The nurse said right away that my RE wanted me to take a break, she had some concerns about my lab results (this was new information).  See, we started our first IVF attempts way back in January of 2008 – at the end of the month.   Our first cycle was over before it began – I had a cyst.   By the time AF came (too early for their liking) and we finally got a decent cycle going, it was late March.  We started again in April only to have it end in May before we even got started, again, due to a high E2 count.   DH and I had a trip to England already planned and I was already emotionally exhausted (there is a whole other story  involved here which I will write about later).   So we decided to take a break.

Now, this takes us to our first IVF attempt.  I called the RE’s office at the end of November, thinking my 2 weeks off in December around Christmas would be perfect timing – I could relax, take it easy and not worry about work.  I was reminded that my RE’s office does not do any transfers or retrievals the month of December – they shut everything down to clean, do quality control checks, etc.  I was annoyed, but I do appreciate the quality control checks.  And then we find out that our previous tests – his semen analysis, my tests – all had to be repeated since it was a year since we had them.  Sigh.   They can do those tests in December, so we got those scheduled.   We also got to meet with the RE and discuss our first two failed attempts.  I started birth control and a higher dose of Lupron, and everything was going very well which lead to our first IVF attempt.

The first RE we met (which is a story for another time) and our current RE would not even consider attempting IUI or any other treatments.  They went straight to IVF.   For a long time I wondered if it was because of my husband’s great insurance with a large public school system.  The insurance company will pay up to 8 IVF tries in a lifetime, and we could appeal for additional tries if needed.  No questions asked.  No proof of having to try other methods.   I’ve been diagnosed with PCOS, and DH’s count is on the low end, with lots of abnormal shaped swimmers.  The only positive result of his test was that the abnormal shaped swimmers sure like to move around – motility isn’t a factor here.  Now I realize it is because this seems to be the best course for us.

Our next appointment with the RE is next week Wednesday.  It will be interesting to see what we find out.


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February 2, 2009 at 1:03 am (BFN, IVF) ()

We held out – didn’t POAS.   The day before (Friday), I was feeling tired and my stomach wasn’t handling food too great.   So I thought – this must be it.   We went out to dinner and then to a hockey game with friends – such a nice distraction.   Saturday morning came around and DH went with me to the doctor’s.

We asked the nurse how long it would be before we knew the results.  She said 2 hours.

We both didn’t want to go right back home, so we went out to breakfast and stopped to see my mom.  2 hours passed, and still nothing.   DH wanted to drive back to the office but I told him it wouldn’t have made a difference.

We left my mom’s, and as soon we got down the block, we got the email.  Since there was no subject line, the email in my inbox looked like, “Myname, I am so s….”


It was a BFN.

The night before, when we came home, my DH and I talked about what would happen if it was a BFN.  I told him I felt like I would almost be ok with it – after all, we had just gotten through this process once and we would know what we could do better the second time around.  DH said he thought it would hit him hard.

Now its kind of the opposite.  It’s hit me hard, very hard.  Could be stopping the meds all at once, could be because deep down I so wanted to believe it would happen.  I wanted to be the one to go out and buy pregnancy books, to be a member of the “club”.  Those embryos – which I nicknamed Emmy A and Emmy B, were very real to me (to us).  I’m mourning the loss of these embryos.

Or maybe what’s hitting me hard is this – a friend IRL, a friend who I considered (notice the past tense here) one of my best friends, has been virtually non-existent through all of this.  I sent an email yesterday (as well as to a few other people) that we had a BFN.  Immediately many others sent emails saying how sorry they were, asking what they could do, etc.  But this one person didn’t say a word.  This morning I emailed her and she claimed she didn’t get the email (my email status says she received it).   Since then, not even a sorry or a hug or anything like that.   And it gets worse here….

I’m on facebook and so is she.  The 25 random facts about you list has hit my friend circle in a big way these past few weeks.  So she posted her 25 random facts yesterday afternoon.   First fact that hit me hard:  She’s grateful she met these people who have little kids they always babysit – in fact, they’re now her family.   Fact two: Even though she had a hysterectomy, she wants to have another baby.  Huh. I really don’t know how to take that right now.  I’ve been there through her grandmother’s death, her kid’s surgery, her father’s Alzheimer’s.  But now it feels like since we can’t seem to get pregnant, she has no use for us.

So, I guess through this process you find out who really supports you and who doesn’t, who can handle hearing you talk about needles and injections, and who can’t.  I found out my parents have been a source of strength through this (even though my mom lost her job and has a million other things to worry about).  And of course, my DH has been my rock, as always.

Tomorrow I’m taking the day off of work – that place is stressful and I decided I need to take care of myself.   And then I’m calling my RE to see what’s next.   Only one embryo froze (out of the 7, minus the 2 that were implanted), so I’m not sure what happens next.  I can’t wait to find out.

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Going Crazy

January 10, 2009 at 3:43 pm (2WW, IVF) ()

This is my first post regarding our IVF journey.  I admit I’ve spent the last few weeks lurking around all the other IF blogs I could find.  I’ve become a blog addict.

Today is my 8th day after a 5 day transfer – is that 8dp5dt (I hope I got this right).  And I’ve become a crazed woman.  Yesterday I emailed my mom (the only person on my side of the family who knows what is going on) and said “Its official -I’ve become nuts”.  Instead of doing my projects here at work, I’m reading every possible blog or article I can get my hands on.  Hope I don’t forget to clear my browser memory when I leave for the day.

I told my DH that no matter what, do NOT let me POAS.  Last night was one of the hardest nights.  I’m not a crier, but I sobbed like a baby.  He still held out, thank goodness, and I’m gearing up for my beta on either the 31st or 1st (I can’t call for a weekend appointment until Friday).

In the first few blogs I’ve read, several people posted that they felt the “typical” pregnancy signs.   I don’t have very many, at least I keep thinking it feels as if AF will appear at any moment.  As a dear friend pointed out yesterday – “How the heck would you know what pregnant feels like if you’ve never been pregnant before?”.  Good point, dear friend.

So, its out here.  I will be working my way back so you can see my timeline (Started BC pills in Dec, retrival on Jan. 16, 5dt on Jan. 23).

And now its back to the wait….and going crazy….

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